This Was Going to Be a Tutorial But That Would Have Been Too Hard

Yes, that’s right. I’m writing a blog post about how I was going to write a tutorial, but was too lazy to even attempt to make the thing, let alone tutorialize it (is that even a word? Eh, who cares). You gotta know I’m lazy. I mean, I like to call it efficient, but we all know that’s just a euphemism. I like to do things the easy way, and that’s laziness ya’ll. And I’m OK with that. I admit it unabashedly.

My name is Crystal Hill and I’m too lazy to make a simple two-step tutorial.

“Hi, Crystal.”

This is me, sitting on the couch, not caring that I’m lazy, and taking a selfie to prove it.


OK anyway, so here’s what happened. A few months ago a guy at our neighborhood pool was showing me a flotation device he’d made for his infant granddaughter. He taught swimming lessons for years and also made these to help his students. It was awesome. He told me how to do it, so of course I was going to make it. I was going to use it for my toddler who hates his life jacket but has an unhealthy confidence in water, and then tell tell you guys how to do it too. I would tell you how it would change your life like it changed ours. I’d even add photos of the floaty-making process (Aw! I was so young, simple and ambitious way back in May when I wanted to attempt to write a tutorial. What a sweet, naive little thing I was. Bless my heart.).

It sounded easy enough. Basically the device involved a pool noodle cut into sections and threaded onto a bike tube. Easy peasy, right? Except that I didn’t count on the fact that I am exceptionally efficient lazy, have a lot of other important meetings crap on my plate, and I didn’t actually NEED one of these since my toddler already has a healthy fear of water life jacket that he hates. Also, I’m a forgetful, procrastinating pushover. It’s a problem.  I’m working on it.


So I ended up procrastinating making the flotation device for so long that I, the pushover, finally caved in and let my daughter bring the noodle to the pool to play with. Then we forgot about it, left it at the pool, and never saw it again. I wasn’t too choked up about it. It was only 99 cents, after all. But that was the end of my flotation device tutorial ambitions because who has the time and energy to go out to WalMart and buy a SECOND pool noodle? I mean seriously folks. If I can’t even hang onto the one I have, I’m certainly not going to go out and be buying all kinds of pool noodles and whatnot.

To quote the ever-profound Sweet Brown, “Ain’t nobody got time fo’ dat.”

By the way, I still have the bike tube sitting in a drawer in case anyone wants to take a special trip to WalMart for a 99 cent pool noodle and make this floatation thing. I’m sure you can figure it out without some fancy lame tutorial because it’s literally like two steps. Although that’s more ambitious than I am right now. If you’re feeling that enterprising, you might as well just make a tutorial of the process yourself while you’re at it. As long as you don’t lose the noodle.

Momming is hard, amiright?

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